hello long time no write. last night i went to a rave for the first time and oh my god was it so much fun. it was a queer rave and i felt so safe like literally no one cares about anything they just wanna dance drink smoke and do drugs its amazing. everyone was so friendly no matter who you were and there was so many different types of people. it was house music so ehhh not my vibe i had to have a few drinks before i could get into it LOL. i really wanna go to a metal bar next i feel like i would really fucking love it. highlights of the night: getting fucked up on vodka and wkd, my sister having people drink straight up vodka and their faces afterwards, dancing with a hairy gay man, dancing to perfect by exceeder, having a rolled cig and then throwing up afterwards and have a butch, a metalhead, my sister and another lady take care of me ðŸ˜, then going home eating food and watching twd
i think having no friends is getting to me so badly and i am having such a crazy hard time with socializing like what the hell is wrong with my brain. everyone alread has their friend groups and its impossible to try and get into them without being friends with someone in the group already and it's literally so difficult and ontop of that i dont even know what im doing and im overthinking everything i say and do. it was bad enough dealing with this irl but now im dealing with it online and its so exhausting i just want to live
im gonna straight up kill myself why do people feel the need to poke fun at my interests whether joking or not it makes me feel like theyre talking down to me then that makes me feel like a fake like ok sorry i say i game then i only play stupid games im trying ok ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ I HATE BEING AUTISTIC!!!!!! THIS STUPID ASS DISORDER
guys i think i have mental issues yesterday i had a blood test and the nurse was a lady and she was really nice and got me a drink when i almost fainted and she kept checking up on me and talking to me and i cant stop thinking about her being my mum ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ what the hell
i feel really weird and like lonely i think? socializing is so fucking hard especially in groups im gonna talk to my therapist about it but im just so stressed out by the prospect of socializing but im also so lonely and want people to do things with and have fun with and be silly with like its really stressful not having someone else besides my sister and like my family to talk to and have fun with and rely on. like i just want a best friend someone i click with about everything i dont even want a group of friends i want one person im close with. its so hard i feel like an alien in human skin because i dont know how to socializie and make friends. the way i think about others is so weird and yeah therapy come sooner PLEASE
my ability to impress someone just went down to 0 i am so embarassed why do i have to have family issues RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
they should have never gave my ass sleeping tablets im so embarassed
haha... heyyy... gonna completely ignore everything that happened with my family rn.. im gonna die bro i took a sleeping pill last night and went loopy and messaged this guy T____T i hope he doesnt find me annoying im so embarassing i wanna apologise but dont wanna be even more annoying.. i hate having so much anxiety regarding socialising and i hate being clingy as fuck T_T im so mad i wanted to talk to my therapist about my issues with socializing but i just ended up talking about my dad and his gf cuz i was so angry. 9:16pm update im so overwhelmed im so upset i forgot my new ipad at home but i brought my old one and i hate it and i cant work on this site because i dont have access to my pc and i know everything is broken but i hate coding on my ipad and im so stressed out i need to stop complaining and venting to everyone i feel so annoying but im going through such a hard time it just feels selfish 12:56pm update idgaf if its the next day. brother what the hell am i doing
wolf family news incoming also im typing this on my phone so im not correcting any spelling mistakes ur gonna have to deal with that. today me and my sisfer hung out and chilled and basically planned our plan of action for tomorrow bc we desperately need to talk to our dad. i am so nervous bc of the pure unpredictibility of how hes gonna react i have no idea whats coming or what to expect but i know something is gonna happen. on a brighter note i talked to my date today and it made me happy :) i messaged him like an hour ago saying i missed him and i was so nervous i put my phone down and tried to sleep but i saw my phone glash and he said aww back.. im literally gonna die does he find me cute he said if i want to meet again we can. also i sent him this sitr so he can literally read all of this but idgaf fuck it we ball!! i am really terrified of fucking everything up though i really hope i can enjoy myself bc i feel like im in a good place in my life atm. also i havw therapy on friday LOL thank FUCK i feel like the session is gonna be 50% me gushing about this guy and 50% me ranting about my dad and his gf
this entry is gonna be a bit personal, and a super long huge rant. cw for alcohol, fighting and animal death
oh my god im raging i will give context for this whole thing. i live with my dad and his girlfriend, his girlfriend has a habit of kicking off and starting arguments and fights whenever she's drunk and this obviously has started numerous fucking problems with me, my dad and my sister. around christmas time my sisters cat (who lives with us, my sister doesnt live here) got sick and he had to be put down but no one besides myself decided to tell my sister he was sick and she couldnt even be there for when he was put down. she was obviously fucking pissed because hello its her cat and so my dad and my sister fell out. they were both mutually mad at eachother but they didnt talk to eachother. my dads girlfriend decided to get drunk and was upset because my dad and my sister fell out, so when my dad came home he brought her flowers because he knew she was upset (but not for my sister even tho it was her fucking cat? ok), they were fine and then my dads gf decided to ring my sister and put her on loudspeaker (unbeknownst to my sister) in front of my dad, my dads gf tried to get them to speak but obviously my sister didnt want to. i at this point have gone upstairs to my room because i know for a fact theyre gonna start arguing. well low and behold they start arguing and i thankfully dont hear anything until my dad comes up and asks if i know what shes going on about (she was saying shit like my dad doesnt love her blah blah). they carry on arguing whatever then my dad goes to bed because hes tired of her arguing. she decides to then smash up the entire kitchen including momentos from their holidays and one-of-a-time items from their holidays, some of my dad's stuff in the kitchen, alcohol bottles and more im prob forgetting. then she went to the neighbours and got black out drunk on her sofa so my dad (who btw had work at 5am in the morning and was trying to sleep) had to go get her and she sat in the living room moping to herself. i then went to my sisters because im not dealing with this shit! my dad goes to my nan's house because obviously he doesnt wanna deal with her either.. so now my dads gf is sat there in the house by herself and me and my dad are basically out of our own house bc my dads gf is a fucking idiot. so then i go to my nans house with my dad for a few days and we spend new year there with my sister too and yay we are happy we have fun and play. then im pretty sure she leaves the house to go to her flat for like 2 weeks and she comes back and its relatively normal but still a bit weird. then my dad and her go on holiday to france (which btw he was meant to go by himself to see a friend but she had to worm her way into it) and on the last 2 days she decides to have a drink or two and like ok whatever. but then she decides the next day to buy a bunch of alcohol and get fucking pissed and ruin my dad's night by kicking off with him, hes obviously pissed off and decides to walk to the train station (which is like 10 miles away) and get the train to the airport to go home (their date to go home was the next day so he stayed up all night and got no sleep). he got home and we were chilling and then she got home. she basically acted like everything was fine for about 2 minutes until she came up behind me and asked if im being funny with her (and if my dad was telling lies about her which wtf?) and then they both tried to pressure me into telling her my feelings about her which i did not want to do so i basically started having a panic attack and ran upstairs and they were both still arguing lol. she started having a go at my dad for "leaving her in a foreign country" (she knew where the train station and airport was and i dont blame him the way she argues with him) and saying other shit i dont remember, at this point i was a mess and practically ran to my brothers house until she had left the house. i come back home shes gone whatever me and my dad both go on with our lives, our kitchen was being renovated and we had to sort all the stuff that was in it out and some of it was hers so we basically put all her stuff in a big pile. it was at this point when im spending time with my dad that i genuinely missed him and felt like we both drifted apart because of her and how much he prioritised her over his literal kids, so i talk to him about it and he apologises blah blah. him and his gf are however speaking again at this point and he basically asks me if he can be with her and i say no not unless she sorts out her alcohol problem which he says fair enough. but basically he has now thrown all of that out of the window because the reason im writing this literal fucking essay about this stupid prick is that they just had a phone conversation that i eavesdropped on and she is upset because shes "being imprisoned in my flat with no one not even cats and im being treated like a second class citizen" and basically went on a whole tangent about how apparently my sister ruined my dads and his gf relationship (she didnt she literally just missed her dad and told him that?????). i am actually fucking flabbergasted at this entire situation. she hasnt even apologised to me or my sister for any of the things shes done and is now acting like she made a small mistake and its nothing to cause drama over. i cannot believe i have to parent a fucking 50 odd year old on taking responsibility for her actions its mindboggling to me. it feels like i am parenting my "parents" when i am trying to live my fucking life! i am trying to socialise and make friends and go on dates and have fun and save money, i dont want to sit here and parent some immature fucking 50 year old people bc theyre being fucking idiots. its so fucking stupid. update LOL i told my sister everything that happened and what my dads gf said wtc, we basically both had a 50 minute rant to eachother about her ans then my sister messaged my dads gf something i typed up for her (it was a pretty nice message too if im being honest) and my dads gf basically got super super fucking pissed about it ans rang my dad ranting about "everything ive done for them kids" and how she hates us it was actually wild. she told my dad that i apparently "do nothing everyday besides talk to weirdos on the internet". anyway now im at my sisters house and we are both flabbergasted and tomorrow is gonna be fucking insane. keep udated on the newest wolf family drama you dont wanna miss it!
i am so tired they call me the eepy head, i had a date today... he was really cute :) we mostly did a little bit of shopping and got some food we didnt plan it that well though so half the time we were walking around LOL. we were meant to go to an arcade bar but i forgot my wallet :( (i need to make a checklist of things i take out with me so i dont forget), he made me laugh and i had a good time so i hope he did too! also the autism did NOT get the best of me but the adhd did i spent so much time staring into space, and i feel like i didnt plan my words enough.. but i think it went well ?????? i have no frame of reference. also idk if im gonna update this everyday i probably will just when i have something interesting to talk about
boring day. i still havent cleaned my room ill prob get to it tomorrow or later. absolutely infuriated with my dad and his girlfriend i hope they both fall in a well. that being said im not giving a fuck and i worked on a new oc yesterday so maybe gonna finish it later, listening to hollywood undead (fatal flaw) and eating pancakes so i would say im doing pretty good
it's only 4pm at the time of writing LOL but i had a sort of eventful day :) i have a date (?????) on monday! im so excited i have never been on a date before so i do not know what will happen i hope the autism doesnt get the best of me .. i still need to clean my room and clean my tattoo lol
this week has been pretty eventful, i got a new tattoo on monday and i stayed at my sisters until today. shes forcing me to watch game of thrones with her just so she will watch hannibal... im on episode 3 its kind of weird im not fucking with all this incest/sa but i like the medieval themes a lot i might continue idk tho. i downloaded some dating apps recently, ive never been on them and thought i'd give it a try tbh its been kinda fun... i hope i meet some people whether friends or whatever. also i got accepted into college! im so so excited to start in september, my course is on game design and i cant wait to start doing things. i gotta clean my room and shit the house is so messy i want to die my sisters house is so clean and nice and stressfree but this house makes me CRAZY!!!!!!!!! i need to move out ASAP. i plan to live with my sister we just have to save up enough money to actually get a place